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I feel so liberated. I haven't felt like this in a long time. This feeling can only exist for a short time, but i truly am happy.

I'd never imagine coming this far. Not in terms of career of course. But i'm refering to of the course of finding myself and being alone, the deeper meaning to life. Right now, here i am. I've improve so much.  Who am i trying to kid? 

I never did realise any of this till a few hours ago. =D

Jul. 22nd, 2008

kings of convenience-misread
''All throughout history, the lonliest people are the ones who always spoke the truth, the ones who made a difference are standing indifferent. I guess it up to me now, should i take a risk or just smile. What do you know...''???

I cannot tell you how much i can relate to this. It happens pretty often. no??

The ones who are harsh and real many too often have big dreams, those on the top levels are lonely. They try to make a difference , but basically get misunderstood. As long as you're different from the mass, from the people who are in your age group, you're said to be ''weird''.
Which is sad really. Cos the ones who make a differnce  in the end, are the ones who do things differently. Out of their comfort zone, and do what the masses don't do.

But over here, we are train to simply follow law. We are not taught or encourage to voice our opinions. Exactly how creative can we be??
And subconsciously alot of people are like that too. Too afraid to hear the truth. But yes, no doubt many atimes the truth hurts, reality hits. Please take criticism constructively.

I have a bad feeling about what's going to happen next somehow. I do not believe i have spoken to fast am i??
I've noticed that, im really cautious when people whom i don't know very well starts treating me well. That uncomfortable feeling, not wanting them to misread, and maybe feeling a little undeserving, especially if you are truly truly an amazing  person deep down.
I don't mean just nice, as an old friend of mines always used to say''nice is an understatement. Everyone can be nice'' and she justifies it yours truly eventually. 

And ones a relationship gets too deep, maybe thats when you need to repel. To avoid all the hassel. Wouldn't it be not  living life to the fullest and taking a risk in life then?? If that's the case relationship needs to be cultivated, And you got to believe that untrustworthy things are not going to take place, even though the nature never fails to prove alot like that.

I am going to believe in the few exceptions, whom i've met along the way and take a step. Baby steps. 


childhood memories...

I am going to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, as cliche as it, all  for the form of comfort. I have to instill it continously and drill it in my head. I don't want all other negative belief to crush me. 

I've been addicted to the songs of band the sounds and harsh sounds. check out painted names(the sounds), sweet tangerines, joyride (harsh sounds)... the smashing pumpkins-today...
Listening to it non-stop. Whatsmore, it kills time.

Im thinking about kids. Lovely kids. I wonder how many i will have someday. 1 too lonely and isnt enough, 2 seems alright but still a lil boring, 3 one out of the 3 will be left out, 4 sounds perfect. But why is it so that i dont feel the privillege of it having 3 other siblings. In my head i have 2 siblings instead. 
I still don't quite understand how a relationship especially one bonded with ties can turn so sour. It bothers me sometimes though i do not talk about it much less admit it. 

When we were alot younger, we always run around the streets and cycle pass the houses. We'll go the neighbours house to play soccer during breaks we'll have fresh emonade, i'll be the goalkeeper and you'll the dribbler. Sometimes you will be dribbling the ball and i'll try to get it but i will always fail, ending up with you laughing and taunting me. It was understood that we weren't happy tt she din let us play your soccer in the house, afraid of the possibility of any broken glasses and furnitures. And of course that's a high likelihood anyway.  There was some unreasonable demands which was enough for me to comprehend already. 

Our little tuition escapades and rides, how i got chase by a guard dog and me shouting and screaming words that i wouldn't even be coming out of my mouth, whatmore address. And how i always get bullied, believing in all your little lies and tales ending  with the  predictable satisfied laughter from you. mama shop and bird shits(supposedly poison to me from the tree). Endless stories...But all in all, at least the rascals still had fun and behaved more like siblings. Squabbling siblings.

Right now it's silence and feigning ignorance. I tried but there is a limit. Best part is that i don't feel a tinge of guilt ,at times when i really feel the hate within. I don't believe in something called ''ourgrow'', it's a matter of choice then again.
It wasn't a choice to shut someone completely out of my life. It's easier this way and at times (choice), i like it this way better. But sometimes i think why must things come to this stage. This stage where it can't be fix, beyond repair.

Thing is, i still remember the past so vividly. The one whom i was the closest to. Without you, it's almost as if i wouldn't have a childhood. And without me, you guys would have led a far better life. That's the truth. The truth that will never be spoken. 

I guess, we've drifted. This is life. Anyhow, i think kids are lovely yet i don't know think handling them is easy. I would love to have some of my own but maybe not as well. I love the frankness and innocence of a child. Even their self centred and oblivious nature. Most of all, how sincere they are. We were once kids, but how different we have turn. I guess we can't live in that fantasy forever.
But they are simply adorable. I don't know how good i'll be  if there is a chance of course, but i will definately try to give them everything within my means and make sure that i give my kids whatever that i yearned for. 
I'll learn from the mistakes made.

HAHAH.. Its funny how im thinking of imaginary kids. I think after all this talk, there is a phobia too. Those little terrors! you don't know what to expect. Yet what i love about kids. 

I had enough of putting everything in the right place and worrying. This time i choose to let it be.

just loofing

Thought i'd better do some damage control cos im utterly embarass by my self absorbed attitude reflected on every entry here.  I think i'll start doing more updating here, rather than the usual every few months, just to kill time though...

Let me see the few changes, Char left for Australia a few days ago ,which pretty much means i lose my champagne high buddy, at least till she comes back for the holidays. As assume then, Jess and i won't be meeting up all that often anymore cos it's now left witht the 2 of us. Well, i cant wait for our mambo session again... and of course champagne high...

Clara's in SQ flying all on her own. I miss her so much. Cos we are both rather busy and the free times she has goes to family and Edmund, i don't blame her, though with a little grudge. 

Meli moved to Khatib, so farway... So I will be seeing less of her. Unless we were to meet in town (alot of times im simply lazy) or the clubbing sessions.

Phyllis is working and lazing her bum on the chair. She surfs facebook, livejournal, (as you can see) msn, reading up on the net which tires and strains her eyes. All she wants now is changes and to get busy here. WOOT!

Alright on a serious note, The past few days have been insanely boring. There is nothing at all to do till August!! can you believe it??
So when the charming big boss comes, she gets tense and have to pretend to do something, (which there is absolutely nothing to do)  so i'll end up looking intensely at the screen to makes it look as if i am so focus on my work.

Im so looking forward to Bintan with the girls. Away from the buzzing city, heading for sun, sea, booze, sand and not forgetting the pampering sessions. I have to wait for about a week plus. I'll end up missing that famous German dj who will be playing at zouk though, which at this moment is fine with me.  Girls session sounds good...

Should i go for the yacht session this sat or not??!!! The idea of booze and a yacht away in an isolated area sounds so appealing... 20 spots and i don't want to take the guys places. Whatmore if it ends up being some boys night.

Oh yeah, and i forgot my friend / ex colleague is cured from cancer. something to be happy about. =D

And all i have to do now is to wait for a few days... Please!!!
hahahaaa... and about less than 2 hours....

This is just a nonsense update... and im trying to stay positive...=D


In retrospect, i've been living my life in reclusion amidst the smile on my face and the scurry of the world. Thing is, when i am having fun, i truly am. But sometimes, the truth and reality resurface, that's when i have a sudden bolt of panic. A certain amount of effort is then needed to calm myself down and brush it aside.

How am i surviving, good question. I am keeping my head above the water, staying afloat and smiling.  I need a breakthorugh. Maybe i do enjoy it a little. Weirdly. When you are so comfortable in a certain position albeit the awkwardness is present, you somehow just settle yourself subconsciously in it, never intentional. You want something better, yet the changes intimidates and causes one to recoil. 

Truth is, i want to be everything. Everything so much so that thoughts and ideas of the future comes to a scary abrupt dismissal. All because i just can't make a selection and focus. That's my weakness. I care too much about the people and circumstances around me, i worry  so much and it becomes paranoia, end of the day it seems i've been shortchanging myself. I still am fighting the battle of letting go. Letting go of the past completely. Even when i do, sometimes the reminiscing part will come and i find myself missing that feeling and wanting to go back to the past. An easier way out. Yet at times, i can differentiate it and all i do is smile while recalling, no regrets at all.  I think i have this tendency to intentionally confuse my unsound mind. I need to let go totally, without any surge of anger, of the dissapointments that are unevitably humanly. The key is to find true happiness through peace and breathe. Not forgetting that i am afterall still a human being. Everything is with time. With time and it will simply fall into place. 

However, to stop mentally confusing myself. Once and for all, i need to decide what exactly i want to pursue, focus and just do it. This somewhat negativity in me,  has an insidious effect that is contagious. 

I think life is too short to beat around the bush. Like an apparition, sometimes seems surreal. But alot of times it's so real in my imagination that scares the hell out of me. Maybe to sum it up, i know what i exactly that i want, just that the process is always the hardest part.

All that i ask now is the courage. The courage to do what i say, to do what's in my mind. To just follow through it, taking one step at a time. And of course, this requires patients too.
Meanwhile, i'll just sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of my lovely evening. And not forgetting to prepare. 

Hopefully, all will go through as planned. If not try again and don't batter yourself up. 
Life is all good. 
Woohoo!!! Bintan and Vietnam here i come!!
Now the hard part is in waiting...=D

 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx my entry dissapeared. God is constantly testing me.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

So should i give it a shot, with a phobia of getting dejected? I guess it's all about taking risk in life and then the outcome is either losing or winning. And then soon enought its just a matter of numbers and probabilities. Certain things bear no explanations eh? Maybe something like the feelings involve. So things have been screwed lately. And i should just try again and again and always hope for the best.  This includes not only what you think is the best. 

I just do not want to think too much into the details. ok all over again all over again.

Just thought that i'll blog for abit before i make my way to bed. So yesterday was spent at double o, happened to get some free invites, what occasion i don't know. The live band was lovely as usual, though i only manage to a few segments of songs, as i was at another section. Happened to meet some old friends there and it was great. You know how you just don't plan to meet certain people, unless you guys happen to bump around. And yes i kinda love those unexpected meetings, of course depending alot on the people. I do not think tt this so callled arrangement means tt it is superficial. Maybe 50-50...And i was dead high... Pretty hilarious... Only sad thing is that i lost my current favourite earing, which i will make sure i  hunt it down.

Which makes me think alot lately, of the consequences of a thought, believe system which affects your choice. Alot of times, we are only given one opportunity to prove yourself worthy to others. Like their choice. If you happen to get more than that you are lucky then cos it is not really an entitlement. OKay I don't know why i am so cynical sometimes.

And i have to wake up early tomorrow to get things done. Hopefully it will all be well and if i get what i want ,all my worries currently in my head will be solve. I pray and hope... Ah Whatever! We'll see... There is so much one can do however much you try.

Anyhow, i should get sleeping, especially since my stomach is rumbling away. 

Haven't updated in a longwhile. It hardly even matters anyway.

I still feel weird typing down whats on my mind. 

Okay so these few weeks and months have been pretty hectic. How i appreciate those few rare long hours where i can sleep  soundly and drift off  without any interference mentally and physically. It's scary waking up having nightmares of the sounds and terms use in a walky talky. And i wake up with cold sweat and heart thumping.  Just being grateful that im home resting especially on my comfortable bed. I almost forgot how a bed feels like. lol

Works been tiring, more of a killer than ever. Yet i love the way it helps me pass my time, tightens my purse and of course the inflow of cash. 
Certain  things nevertheless, as much as i can do without these. 

What do i feel about my life. Frankly speaking, boredboredbored..... It's funny how people go to such great expense just to portray an interesting and lavish life and here i am some weirdo admitting that she is soo bored with her's. Yet sometimes i really accept it so readily and i genuinely like it the way it is. I wish i can do more. I wish i have more options available. Those things in life that are totally fulfilling to me can just come my way, just like a magnet. 

One who likes routine and something more unpredictable as well. We were rock you, Queens songs was good. Worth every penny i paid, so considering the fact that i haven't gone for these plays or concerts in ages. Last i went was what 7 or 8 years ago??

Certain things or circumstances that actually can be controlled using sensitivity makes me feel unappreciated. As though it Doesnt matter at all. But it's true after awhile it really doesn't. And you just learn and accept the nature of humans or of particular people. Simply brush it aside. It doesn't matter anyway. 

There's someone someone someone. I spy with these little eyes of mine.... LOL.

the earth is immense
but the earth is 
just one of millions in the universe
the earth is immense
but is subjected to external forces
just like a rich man
a powerful stength
a sweet talking lips
will make you rush towards him
make you warm and melt
make you cool and frozen

so lady
guard your heart
spin about your own axis
so that no matter how strong
is the external forces
it cannot focus
and break your defence
at your weakest point

so that you can be warm without melting 
cool without frozen



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